in-sufficientdata

There is this feeling of dread clenching the inside of my stomach. Knotted and nauseating. Hoping I can ease it with some breakfast and some movement, in a little bit.

Dreading the MRI tomorrow. I haven't asked for a ride yet. I asked Tyler for a ride home, but the hospital refused to tell me when I would be done or now long it would take, so I have no idea when to ask for him to come get me. I made a rough guess. Might be wondering around in the rain for a bit after, which would be fine. There is a nice cafe nearby that tends to be more quiet in the late afternoon. I should ask Josh's parents for a ride there, but I have been dreading that, too, even though they offered. I will try.

So much I want to do, it's already time to go do silks, oops. I'll bring my laptop and make a list at the coffee shop, start chipping away at address changes. I want the Bird Alliance to know. I want to help birds, and to get new address stickers. I will give them my annual gift even though it's the last thing I should be spending money on.

I didn't realize when we moved in how busy and ugly the traffic is on the street we are just off of. It's called Hall. Rush hour is nightmarish and loud, the backyard is full of car noise in the mornings, which makes me sad.

But another upsetting issue was revealed last night. As I was driving down Hall, just past our street, I saw some bodies awkwardly moving into the street. This was in the dark and rain so I couldn't make them out at first, and my first thought was drunk teens or vagrants wandering into the road in front of my car.

But as I slowed and got closer, I saw that they were deer.

I slowed and put on my hazards to try to alert the cars behind me, and kept my distance.

They scampered across the street, two of them, and then awkwardly trotted along the narrow sidewalk that lines the street for well over a block. I stayed back. Fortunately no cars tried to speed around me, I was trying to keep them from being too stressed by traffic.

Eventually, they suddenly vanished into a gap in a fence. It is marked with a tiny "deer x-ing" sign, probably put there by the property owner?

My heart just shattered.

It's a cut-through to a creek or something, I could sort of see on my way back as I scanned the area in the dark. It dips down into black brushy nothingness, I'm guessing there is water there.

It just.... It means I will see a lot of dead deer, living here, on this very busy road full of angry, distracted drivers.

And I'm also just sad that the deer have to live like that. In such a depressed area, not good habitat for them. No proper safe crossing.

These sorts of things make me glad I am mortal and that all humans will die one day. Including myself. I hate what we do to the environment and how it impacts innocent animals who have no choice but to adapt to the ugliness we inflict on the precious perfect natural world.

I know I could look at this all differently, and I know that we need shelter too. It isn't really our fault as individuals. I don't know though. The system we support is blech. I often think about whether I would be happier as a poor Nepalese person, living in a way that does not damage the world around them unnecessarily. They do what's necessary to live and do not trash the planet for their own comfort and entertainment. (I am generalizing but a lot of Nepal is like this.) I think I might like that better.

There wouldn't be aerial silks for me, though.

But there would be lots of hiking, and beautiful food, and cute animals. Things would be simpler. I don't know.

Just have to try to keep finding ways to make it better for myself, here.

Try to advocate for the deer, somehow.

There was a dead deer on the side of the road on the way home from our hike, yesterday. The hike was needed and delightful, Josh was able to skip out of work for it. He was napping when we passed the doe. We had seen a small buck on the mountain while hiking. But seeing the dead one, something in me just shattered. I always hate scenes like that - a bear last year wrecked me worse - but I just. Something about her felt different. It felt so wrong. Like an affirmation of this feeling I've been having that nothing is worth it.

I think this is my depression talking. A lot of it.

Will try to take my vitamin D, and go get some training in.